Tequila Christmas Cake

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the tequila again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK.
Try another cup... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit!
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
No wait..shtrain the lemon juice and shift your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

Merry Christmas, All!!

North vs. South

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens

The North has lobsters,
The South has crawfish

The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.!

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it. Your kin would get a kick out of it too.

5 BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

5 BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

2 Blondes Looking for a Christmas Tree

There were two blondes, who went deep into the woods, searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of sub-zero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Gift Wrapping for Men

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:

"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth,'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion:

This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of Cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inchsquare of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt. My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.

That is why today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning.

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leafblower.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

~Male Author Unknown~

Fish Story Comic Strip

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Special High Intensity Training

Employee Training Memo:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you did not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T)

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T)

Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore,as they are full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be intrested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T)

Those that are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you, Boss in General (B.I.G S.H.I.T)

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Another Classic -- 25 Funniest Analogies

25 Funniest Analogies

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

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Flying Spaghetti Monster

If you're not familiar with the Flying Spaghetti Monster heres the rundown: Bobby Henderson, outraged that the Kansas Board of Education mandated teaching of Intelligent Design, proposed that the true Creator is the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who provides Divine Intervention through his "noodly appendage."
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Dave Barry's 14 things that took me over 50 years to learn

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.

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Old, but still funny!

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?"


A baby seal walks into a club.


A Priest and A Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"


A man walks into a bar, and he has a tiny foot tall man sitting on his shoulder. The man takes a seat at the bar and orders a beer and something to nibble on. When the bartender delivers the items, the little man runs down the mans shoulders, knocks over the beer and and bowl of snacks, stomps all over them, then back up the mans arm to his perch on his shoulder. The man just sighs, gets the bartenders attention and repeats his order. When the bartender brings the items over for the second time the little man repeats his commotion and the customer once again repeats his order. This time the bartender has to know whats going on. "You see," said the customer "I once found this bottle on the beach and when I started to clean it up, a djinnie appeared and offered me one wish. I asked for a 12 inch dick, and I've been stuck with him ever since."


Two guys are sitting in a bar close to closing time. One man says "Aw man, my wife is going to be so pissed. Everytime I come home late, no matter how quiet I am she's wide awake and lets me have it!" His buddy replies "You're going about it all wrong. When I get home I tear into the driveway, screeching my tires as I stand on the brakes. I burst through the door and yell up that I'm coming to bed and want some action. She's sound asleep everytime I get there!"

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My favorite joke

A penguin is driving through Arizona, and his car starts to overheat. He knows nothing about cars so he pulls into the first mechanics shop he sees. The mechanic is busy, so having never been to Arizona, he decides to walk around for awhile. It doesn't take long till he is dying from the heat, he is a penguin in Arizona after all, and he decides to duck into an icecream parlor for a big refreshing bowl of vanilla icecream. So he orders his bowl, and sits down to eat it. They've given him a spoon, but his flippers can't grip it, so he just starts shoveling. Icecream is flying! It's all over the table, his beak, his chest, even the wall behind him. But, boy, does it hit the spot! So by now the mechanic has surely had a chance to look at his car, so he heads back. When he gets there the mechanic says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." The Penguin says "No, no, no. It's just icecream."

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Maury

Not a joke, just an observation. Lets just rename it: "The Paternity-Test Show" Gotta say I'm impressed with how a recent episode was echoed in an episode of "House" the same week, where a young couple discover they have the same father.

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Paul Lynde quotes

Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for them both." Who or what was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

Peter Marshall: True or false. Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5 million worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone?
Paul Lynde: And it didn't cure her headache.

Peter Marshall: In the movies, who gave the advice, "whistle while you work"?
Paul Lynde: It was either Paul Winchell or Linda Lovelace.

Peter Marshall: In a famous fairy tale, a queen is bathing when a frog jumps out of the water and says, "Thy wish shall be fullfilled." What was the queen's wish?
Paul Lynde: She wanted the frog to talk dirty.

Peter Marshall: You became a mother two months ago. And you've been feeling a bit depressed lately. According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, is this normal?
Paul Lynde: I hate these stretch marks!

Peter Marshall: Playboy Magazine recently published a book by billionaire J. Paul Getty called, "How To ..." How to what?
Paul Lynde: How To Treat Oily Skin.

Peter Marshall: According to Johnny Carson's ex-wife Joanne, after the divorce, he sent her a copy of a best-selling book. Which one?
Paul Lynde: Shaft!

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, the University of Nebraska was recently given $185,000 for an extensive study of the prune.
Paul Lynde: There goes $185,000 down the drain!

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo!

Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encylopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant?
Paul Lynde: Because they can't talk dirty!

Peter Marshall: Sophia Loren has written a cookbook which will be published this spring entitled, "Cooking With ..." Cooking with what?
Paul Lynde: Cooking with a three-foot-long spoon.

Peter Marshall: Fidel Castro recently gave Yugoslavia's Marshall Tito a gift. What was it?
Paul Lynde: A cheap, hand'painted tie.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover?
Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor!

Peter Marshall: True or false. In Athens recently they discovered sketches of the great philosopher Socrates, revealing that he bore a striking resemblance to Paul Newman?
Paul Lynde: But he walked like Joanne!

Peter Marshall: Paul, in ancient Rome, bakers were required by law to bake something into each loaf of bread. What?
Paul Lynde: A Christian.

Peter Marshall: The Atlantic Ocean is the major body of water on Africa's west coast. What major body lies off Africa's east coast?
Paul Lynde: Ex-president Mobutu.

Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, "Love to me is something you ..." Something you what?
Paul Lynde: Purchase.

Peter Marshall: Besides a baton , what did Xavier Cugat always have in his hand when he lead his orchestra?
Paul Lynde: Oh, arthritis.

Peter Marshall: A woman who is divorced, has a college education, and is nineteen-years-old is more like to have a certain ailment than anybody else. What ailment?
Paul Lynde: The heartbreak of psoriasis.

Peter Marshall: Can chewing gum help prevent a child from catching a cold?
Paul Lynde: No, but I know it'll plug a runny nose.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Nylon is stronger than steel?
Paul Lynde: But steel panties don't turn me on!

Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Paul Lynde: I don't have a third choice?

Peter Marshall: Where does most of the olive oil in the world come from?
Paul Lynde: Caesar Romero's comb.

Peter Marshall: A soap opera in Australia called "Number 96" offers audiences something that no American soap opera has. What?
Paul Lynde: An unfaithful kangaroo.

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor recently stated, "It wasn't easy." And hubby Richard Burton added, "But we both sleep much better." They were both talking about the same thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Separate bedrooms.

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is immorality contagious?
Paul Lynde: I know he was down with it for about a month.

Peter Marshall: Karen Valentine made her film debut in a film called "Gidget..." Gidget what?
Paul Lynde: Gidget Gets Morning Sickness.

Peter Marshall: In Greek mythology, what would the god Morpheus do to you while you were asleep?
Paul Lynde: I don�t know, but I got an enchanted hickie.

Peter Marshall: True or false. In Sweden, a person can get an instant divorce?
Paul Lynde: Yes, from poisoned meatballs.

Peter Marshall: After Phyllis Diller's recent facelift, she received thousands of letters, mostly asking three questions: did it hurt? How much did it cost? And one other...what?
Paul Lynde: Do your eyes close when you sit down?

Peter Marshall: Queen Elizabeth generally swings her umbrella behind her back, and immediately, something happens. What?
Paul Lynde: Lord Snowden doubles up in pain.

Peter Marshall: Twiggy reportedly added an inch to her bustline while making (the movie) The Boyfriend. What does that make her bust measurement now?
Paul Lynde: One.

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity!

Peter Marshall: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Paul Lynde: Smuggling!

Peter Marshall: Oh, Paul, what would we ever do without you?
Paul Lynde: Replace me with Charles Nelson Reilly!

Peter Marshall: What did the Lone Ranger always leave behind when he left town?
Paul Lynde: A masked baby.

Peter Marshall: If a women becomes pregnant while employed, is she now entitled to
six weeks maternity leave?
Paul Lynde: Only if the baby resembles the boss.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, studies show that women in their sixties have a more intense craving for physical romance than when they were in their forties...
Paul Lynde: Well, that's tough!

Peter Marshall: True or false...there are more psychiatrists in Beverly Hills than plumbers.
Paul Lynde: When my toilet's backed up, I don't care who fixes it!

Peter Marshall: True or false...NASA officials report that when Chinese vice-premier Dang visited the astronaut training headquarters recently, the one big question he demanded to know was...where the astronauts go to the bathroom?!
Paul Lynde: The answer was over China!

Peter Marshall: Paul,Zsa Zsa Gabor says she never ever swims with her face in the water. Why?
Paul Lynde: It clogs the drain.

Peter Marshall: Paul, Broderick Crawford says that he is often mistaken for....
Paul Lynde: A dump truck.

Peter Marshall: A current movie is being described as "the story of a love that changed the world forever." What movie is it?
Paul Lynde: Oh, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Peter Marshall: On a recent visit to France, Britain's Queen Elizabeth was given the opportunity of sleeping in a very famous person's bed. Whose?
Paul Lynde: Jean Paul Belmondo's.

Peter Marshall: Paul, during a visit to the Moscow State Circus, Pat Nixon shook hands with something unusual. What?
Paul Lynde: The bearded lady, Mrs. Kosygin.

Peter Marshall:Sophia Loren recently revealed that when she was a child she never played with something. What?
Paul Lynde: Oh, the L.A.Rams.

Peter Marshall: Lana Turner recently said, "I won't do it because I haven't stopped living my life by a long shot." What won't she do?
Paul Lynde: Oh, the Merv Griffin show.

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul. If you have one it's a moose. If you have two, it's a....?
Paul Lynde: It's a mess!

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, who was found in a basket among the bulrushes?
Paul Lynde: Colonel Sanders.

Peter Marshall: Henry Kissinger was recently quoted as saying,"They aren't even sexy!" Who was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: The Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Peter Marshall: A photograph of Queen Elizabeth had her stepping onto the shores of Bangkok, onto a carpet made of what?
Paul Lynde: 40% dacron.

Peter Marshall: Paul. a recent navy picture had Admiral Zumwalt kissing Admiral Duirk. Why?
Paul Lynde: Too long at sea!

Peter Marshall: According to PhotoPlay magazine, in their courting days before Frank Sinatra was successful, Nancy used to send him a glove with something in each finger. What?
Paul Lynde: Soup.

Peter Marshall:Which performing team were the stars of Ed Sullivan's first TV show?
Paul Lynde: Aretha and Benjamin Franklin.

Peter Marshall: Paul, for a thousand dollars and a tie game, according to psychologists, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.

Peter Marshall:Paul, according to the classic movie Frankenstein, Dr. Frankenstein was supposed to do something important the day the monster killed him. What?
Paul Lynde: I think a tonsillectomy.

Peter Marshall:If you want to know if a plastic surgeon is really qualified, who should you check with?
Paul Lynde: Tony Randall.

Peter Marshall:When President Nixon was in Poland recently the Polish people kept shouting, "Stolat! Stolat! Stolat!" What does "Stolat" mean?
Paul Lynde: Welcome, President Johnson

Peter Marshall:True or false. George jessel has a 9 year old daughter.
Paul Lynde: False. It's his girlfriend

Peter Marshall: Eva Gabor says she dislikes a particular word because it signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What word?
Paul Lynde: Pregnant.

Peter Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, they're the ones who just go "a doodle doo!"

Peter Marshall: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Paul Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue's a weirdo!

Peter Marshall: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a Geisha House, now how did he spent his time in the Geisha House?
Paul Lynde: Oh, negotiating for "peace!"

Peter Marshall: In the Shakespearean play "King Lear," King Lear had three of them, Gonoreil, Cordelia and Regen. Who were they?
Paul Lynde (disgustedly): King Lear had Gonoreil!

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-- what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: According to the old song, what's breaking up that old gang of mine?
Paul Lynde: Anita Byant!

Peter Marshall: Paul, the Rio Grande River seperates Texas and Mexico. What does "Rio Grande" mean in Spanish?
Paul Lynde: El Washing Machine.

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor calls it 'the Big One' , What is it?
Paul Lynde: They both look the same to me!

Peter Marshall: We've all heard the old phrase "A pig in a poke." What is a poke? Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love. Peter Marshall: Paul, this is for 12 hundred dollars and the championship. Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now listen carefully..."We work together, we pray together and we're darn good..." What? Paul Lynde: In the saddle. Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten? Paul Lynde: I read it, "The Joy of Sex." Peter Marshall: What's that thing to the east of Sweden? Paul Lynde: Have you seen Anita Ekberg lately? Peter Marshall: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees? Paul Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes. Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Peter Marshall: What did James Watt invent after fooling around with his wife's tea kettle? Paul Lynde: James Watt Jr. Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White? Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama. Peter Marshall: Paul, can anything bring tears to a chimp's eyes? Paul Lynde: Finding out that Tarzan swings both ways! Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy? Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch! Peter Marshall: Fred Astaire says, his mother has been trying to get him to do this since he was 35. But he hasn't done it and says he won't do it until he's ready. Do what? Paul Lynde: Move out of the house! Peter Marshall: According to legend, who looks better, a pixie or a fairy? Paul Lynde (in deeper voice): Well, looks aren't everything! (laughter and applause) Well, I guess I would say...I would have to go with the fairy. (more laughter)

Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?

Peter Marshall: Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on your property?
Paul Lynde: There's no better way!

Peter Marshall: In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late, I'm late?"
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
Paul Lynde: They're so cold!

Peter Marshall: What is a pullet?
Paul Lynde: A little show of affection...

Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true. What?
Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...

Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette?
Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...

Peter Marshall: Promethius was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place?
Paul Lynde: Pat's room .

Peter Marshall: True or false, cow's horns are used to make ice cream.
Paul Lynde: You mean those weren't chocolate chips?

(I know these next two are already quoted to death but I just couldn't resist)
Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose"cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...

Peter Marshall: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?
Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...

Peter Marshall: It used to be called "9-pin." What's it called today?
Paul Lynde: Foreplay!

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse?
Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.

Peter Marshall: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
Paul Lynde: They are cute.

Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?
Paul Lynde: A headboard.

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?
Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket if you show the officer...what?
Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill.

Peter Marshall: Experts say you should avoid sex immediately after...what?
Paul Lynde: Surgery.

Peter Marshall: True or false, each generation of Americans has been about an inch taller than the previous generation...
Paul Lynde: That makes Robert Conrad an antique!

Peter Marshall: It's well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body. Are male hormones ever found in the female body?
Paul Lynde: Occasionally.

Peter Marshall: In the "Wizard of Oz," the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.

Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it "our great hope in a confusing and ever-changing world." What is it?
Paul Lynde: Pampers.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?
Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.

Peter Marshall: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out?
Paul Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!

Peter Marshall: True or false...a shipment of the Pill was recently recalled because they were actually sugar pills...
Paul Lynde: Does this mean all of the babies born in November will have pimples?

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Actual Newspaper Headlines

• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
• Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
• Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
• Drunk gets nine months in violin case
• Survivor of siamese twins joins parents
• Farmer Bill dies in house
• Iraqi head seeks arms
• Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
• Stud tires out - Prostitutes appeal to Pope
• Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
• Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
• British left waffles on Falkland Islands
• Eye drops off shelf
• Teacher strikes idle kids
• Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
• Squad helps dog bite victim
• Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
• Enraged cow injures farmer with axe
• Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
• Miners refuse to work after death
• Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
• Stolen painting found by tree
• Two soviet ships collide, one dies
• 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
• Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
• Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
• Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
• War dims hope for peace
• If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
• Cold wave linked to temperatures
• Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide

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11-09 Joke: BAD MEMORY???

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says "do you know me?". To which she replies "I Think you're the father of one of my children." He thinks back to the only time he had ever been unfaithful and says... "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made out with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" Suddenly looking very uncomfortable, she said "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

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11-09 Joke: Stock Show

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the
alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign
stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her
husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from
him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull
mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says,
"This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You
can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his
sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth
drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A
DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife
and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."