Home Owners Association Isn't Always a Bad Thing

Not a joke, but a true story of one mans war on property values.

I live in a small neighborhood out in the country. Small 3 bedroom 2 bath moderately priced homes on 1+ acres of land and no home owners association to tell you what you can and cannot do to your home and property. I've really enjoyed it out here and theres no telling what kind of animals you might see in your yard. There are farms nearby and I've gotten used to hearing horses, donkeys, roosters, etc.

And then, about a year ago, someone bought a house out here that was for sale. I can see the house and yard from my front door. After buying the house the guy starts to build brick columns on either side of his driveway. "Hm, a brick wall. That might be nice, but kinda out of place" I thought, as some back yards are fenced in but no one has their yard entirely fenced. Then he puts a wrought iron gate up on the brick columns. "Oh, a wrought iron fence. That might be nice" I thought. Then he starts putting up a chain-link fence across the front of the yard starting at the brick columns, with the aluminum poles securely anchored in concrete. "That's kinda ugly" I thought. But then, when he reaches the corner, the fencing changes to a large square mesh attached to wooden posts like you would find on a farm. EVERY SIDE IS DIFFERENT! Then he fences in a garden on the side and another fence around a shed in the back. Attached to the brick columns are REALLY bright lights.

We started to refer to this house as the concentration camp (the resemblance is undeniable) as we tried not to think about our plummeting home value. It's the exact opposite of a house-flip! It's even crossed our minds that maybe this guy moved in solely to drive the real estate prices down so someone could snatch the properties at a value when they went on the market. BUT WAIT, HE'S NOT DONE YET! After all, what good is a concentration camp without a guard tower? We know its actually a chicken-coop because he set out a sign advertising fresh eggs but its still a small tower about 6 feet off the ground looking over the multiply fenced in grounds with dual spotlights (if only he could get the spotlights to sweep the yard) to really show it off at night!

This past month, almost magically, there appears a "for sale" sign on the freedom side of the fence. The neighborhood breathed a collective sigh of relief. The big question now is: Who's going to buy it and when will the fence come down?

New Words and Definitions

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Separated at Birth?

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Scrubs but does it really need to be on at least one channel at any given time. As if that isn't enough I'm now seeing Zach Braffs face wherever I go:
























Not sure? OK, here's another one:

Math Test Answer

Want Anything From the Kitchen, While I'm Up?

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the late for a moment.

"Where's my toast ?"

Great Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,

"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

SNL - Justin Timberlake - "Dick in a Box" Music Video

I hadn't seen this until last night when a friend showed it to me: