Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.



OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.



GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.





COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...






ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.




JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.





NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see is in his eyes and the way he walks.





PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.







MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.





DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.





ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.







JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white-washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side". That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.






BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.



JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.






ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.







BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.




ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?






BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?







AL GORE: I invented the chicken!







COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?







DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?






AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Christmas Bird

It's all a matter of perspective!

What do deer think?

Ted Nugent, Rock star and avid bow hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist and the discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?" or "Why do you do this thing of killing just for sport?"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are, in many ways, very much like the French.

Church leaders convert bears to worship

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Alien encounter in Arizona

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared toward them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.

Old age

I want to live my next life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension.

Then you start work and get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then,

You finish off as an orgasm.

Here Kitty, Kitty

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say "fuck", the rottweilerate him.

Top 20 Sci-Fi Romance Lines

1 "He held her close and whispered, 'Though light years may come between us, my love, I shall always cherish the night when I kissed you on Uranus.'"

2 "Together they strolled along the sand, the light of the moons reflecting from her platinum hair. Her ample breasts pointed delicately upward in the weaker Martian gravity."

3 "As the mechanical whirring reached a crescendo, X-10B suddenly rebooted. 'Just my luck,' P8000-C sighed,covering her SCSI interface. X-10B cursed the latest firmware upgrade as the hydraulic fluid drained from his rapidly settling droidhood."

4 "Her wanton breasts heaved. Her breath grew short. He pulled her close and whispered, 'My Vulcan customs forbid me from mating for another 7 years -- but we can still cuddle!'"

5 "'You're a cold, heartless beast!' she screamed,weeping.'Well, yes,' he responded, puzzled and hurt,'On Pluto,we ALL are.'"

6 "My ears tingled and my skin flushed as he whispered those three sweet words that every woman wants to hear: X'CHa'ktt Ng'xxkt Kzgrr'Dchch."

7 "As the Nintendo LuvDroid pushed Cliff roughly to the bed,he felt a touch of fear, and with reason. 'ATTENTION!'shrieked the droid, 'ALL YOUR PENIS ARE BELONG TO US!'"

8 "Diana Plasma was not the kind of woman to let interplanetary gravity differentials dictate her agenda. When she said 'Jump', she expected her cadets to say 'How high?' -- and really *mean* it."

9 "Though we both yearned to be as one, I knew that the reverse polarization of our anti-grav units would forever keep us apart."

10 "Never had he seen twin moons more round, more perfectly formed as these. They glistened in the twilight, each with its own set of concentric rings, and he longed to be the first man to land on them, to touch the surface."

11 "'Don't go! I love you!' Helen pleaded, her bosom heaving.'I must,' he replied coldly.'I'll never forget you,' she sobbed, brokenhearted. 'Guess again,' the MiB agent remarked as he flashed his Neuralizer."

12 "He was standing in the doorway, chlorine dissipating off his rippling chest. From across the room, she could detect his scent, the all too familiar musk of hydrogen sulfide and ammonia. His eye met hers, and the silence was overwhelming."

13 "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a really hot cyborg chick, and Ryan Cobalt was no different."

14 "His hands tore passionately at her bodice. 'It's a breathable poly/carbon shell woven with interstitial polyvinylchloride!' she moaned. He gazed longingly,agonizing over the knowledge of basic chemistry which stood between him and her three proud breasts."

15 "Oh my God!" screamed Elizabeth. "I bet a photon could traverse the length of your tumescent organ in less than a nanosecond! In a vacuum!"

16 "Their friends said they weren't compatible, that a model 49FB8v3 could never find happiness with an amorphous semi-organic blob, but they didn't care. Sure,they were from different worlds, but they had each other and that's all that mattered."

17 "Yeoman Rand gasped as her captain bent her over the navigator's console and began tugging at her Starfleet-issued panties. 'Prepare yourself for a captain's log entry you won't forget,' Kirk purred, grinning wolfishly."

18 "As Loruk's thorax swelled, signaling her sexual availability, she could feel Gakkor's twitching proboscis brush against the most sensitive of her three legs, triggering her kill-and-devour response in a way it had never been triggered before."

19 "The pizza boy never realized that 412 Mansion Cove was the four-dimensional portal of the Gnyxillian high queen, who often sought meaningless servicing from carbon-based life forms. This time was different, though. She didn't count on... love."

20 "Clarice wanted to resist, but when Zoltor opened his mouth and his thirty-two inch tongue unspooled, she gave in with a shudder."

Merits of a Mistress

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

U2 and Philosophy

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence ........... "Well, f***n' stop doin' it then!"

HER FIRST PAY CHECK

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."

Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.

A Touching Message

I seldom pass along inspirational stuff, but this one got to me.

I believe, in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live, there needs to be a message of Hope.

We can all use a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace, and joy.

An image that suggests the universality of us all.

I have been sent that image, and I want to share it with you all.

All I ask that all of you take a moment to reflect on it.

Getting older sucks...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

But it's not too bad if you have friends...

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

So just take it easy...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

And find a way to enjoy it!

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

Best Blonde Joke Ever

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."


What's a 710?........ Click Here

Political labeling

This is a clothing label from a small American company that sells their product in France. Here's the translation of the French part of the label.

Wash with warm water.
Use mild soap.
Dry flat.
Do not use bleach.
Do not dry in the dryer.
Do not iron.
We are sorry that our president is an idiot.
We did not vote for him.

A little old lady decided to join The Hell's Angels!

One day she goes up to where they hang out and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker then asked: "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep,smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

French Honour

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was beside a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman who had her poodle sitting on it.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the length of the entire train again, but still the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

A Toast to My Wife

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night". She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife." Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."

Chicken or the Egg

Now you know!

Telemarketer Prank

I've heard of people pranking telemarketers but this is absolutely HILARIOUS! The telemarketer obviously wants to get off the phone, but feels he can't due to legalities.

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/