What do deer think?

Ted Nugent, Rock star and avid bow hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist and the discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?" or "Why do you do this thing of killing just for sport?"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are, in many ways, very much like the French.

Church leaders convert bears to worship

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Alien encounter in Arizona

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared toward them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.

Old age

I want to live my next life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension.

Then you start work and get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then,

You finish off as an orgasm.

Here Kitty, Kitty

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say "fuck", the rottweilerate him.

Top 20 Sci-Fi Romance Lines

1 "He held her close and whispered, 'Though light years may come between us, my love, I shall always cherish the night when I kissed you on Uranus.'"

2 "Together they strolled along the sand, the light of the moons reflecting from her platinum hair. Her ample breasts pointed delicately upward in the weaker Martian gravity."

3 "As the mechanical whirring reached a crescendo, X-10B suddenly rebooted. 'Just my luck,' P8000-C sighed,covering her SCSI interface. X-10B cursed the latest firmware upgrade as the hydraulic fluid drained from his rapidly settling droidhood."

4 "Her wanton breasts heaved. Her breath grew short. He pulled her close and whispered, 'My Vulcan customs forbid me from mating for another 7 years -- but we can still cuddle!'"

5 "'You're a cold, heartless beast!' she screamed,weeping.'Well, yes,' he responded, puzzled and hurt,'On Pluto,we ALL are.'"

6 "My ears tingled and my skin flushed as he whispered those three sweet words that every woman wants to hear: X'CHa'ktt Ng'xxkt Kzgrr'Dchch."

7 "As the Nintendo LuvDroid pushed Cliff roughly to the bed,he felt a touch of fear, and with reason. 'ATTENTION!'shrieked the droid, 'ALL YOUR PENIS ARE BELONG TO US!'"

8 "Diana Plasma was not the kind of woman to let interplanetary gravity differentials dictate her agenda. When she said 'Jump', she expected her cadets to say 'How high?' -- and really *mean* it."

9 "Though we both yearned to be as one, I knew that the reverse polarization of our anti-grav units would forever keep us apart."

10 "Never had he seen twin moons more round, more perfectly formed as these. They glistened in the twilight, each with its own set of concentric rings, and he longed to be the first man to land on them, to touch the surface."

11 "'Don't go! I love you!' Helen pleaded, her bosom heaving.'I must,' he replied coldly.'I'll never forget you,' she sobbed, brokenhearted. 'Guess again,' the MiB agent remarked as he flashed his Neuralizer."

12 "He was standing in the doorway, chlorine dissipating off his rippling chest. From across the room, she could detect his scent, the all too familiar musk of hydrogen sulfide and ammonia. His eye met hers, and the silence was overwhelming."

13 "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a really hot cyborg chick, and Ryan Cobalt was no different."

14 "His hands tore passionately at her bodice. 'It's a breathable poly/carbon shell woven with interstitial polyvinylchloride!' she moaned. He gazed longingly,agonizing over the knowledge of basic chemistry which stood between him and her three proud breasts."

15 "Oh my God!" screamed Elizabeth. "I bet a photon could traverse the length of your tumescent organ in less than a nanosecond! In a vacuum!"

16 "Their friends said they weren't compatible, that a model 49FB8v3 could never find happiness with an amorphous semi-organic blob, but they didn't care. Sure,they were from different worlds, but they had each other and that's all that mattered."

17 "Yeoman Rand gasped as her captain bent her over the navigator's console and began tugging at her Starfleet-issued panties. 'Prepare yourself for a captain's log entry you won't forget,' Kirk purred, grinning wolfishly."

18 "As Loruk's thorax swelled, signaling her sexual availability, she could feel Gakkor's twitching proboscis brush against the most sensitive of her three legs, triggering her kill-and-devour response in a way it had never been triggered before."

19 "The pizza boy never realized that 412 Mansion Cove was the four-dimensional portal of the Gnyxillian high queen, who often sought meaningless servicing from carbon-based life forms. This time was different, though. She didn't count on... love."

20 "Clarice wanted to resist, but when Zoltor opened his mouth and his thirty-two inch tongue unspooled, she gave in with a shudder."

HER FIRST PAY CHECK

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."

Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.

Voodoo Penis

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied . He went to a sex shop & explained his situation.

The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what"! The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"

The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!" The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped & returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch". The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.

After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

Getting older sucks...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

But it's not too bad if you have friends...

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

So just take it easy...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

And find a way to enjoy it!

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

Best Blonde Joke Ever

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."


What's a 710?........ Click Here

A little old lady decided to join The Hell's Angels!

One day she goes up to where they hang out and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker then asked: "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep,smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

French Honour

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was beside a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman who had her poodle sitting on it.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the length of the entire train again, but still the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

A Toast to My Wife

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night". She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife." Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."

Want Anything From the Kitchen, While I'm Up?

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the late for a moment.

"Where's my toast ?"

Great Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,

"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Another Letter From Mom

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send, your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

Must Be A Monday

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods, a man came upon another man
hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK ..." So he wrapped his arms around
the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair
of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked
and left.

Two hours later, another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the
tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished
telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind
him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:

"This just isn't gonna be your day, is it, Cupcake?"

Tequila Christmas Cake

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the tequila again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK.
Try another cup... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit!
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
No wait..shtrain the lemon juice and shift your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

Merry Christmas, All!!

2 Blondes Looking for a Christmas Tree

There were two blondes, who went deep into the woods, searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of sub-zero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Gift Wrapping for Men

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:

"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth,'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion:

This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of Cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inchsquare of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt. My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.

That is why today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning.

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leafblower.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

~Male Author Unknown~