Joke: Dead husbands new suit

I heard this joke a while back and thought it was really funny, mainly because it's just so morbid. If you're not a fan of dark humor then you may just want to skip past it to other funny stuff I've posted.

A recent widow is making the funeral arrangements for her recently departed husband. She speaks with the mortician and says "Jimmy always looked so good in blue. Would it be possible for you to find a nice blue suit for him to buried in?"

The mortician replies that it would be no bother at all and accepts a blank check from the woman for the cost of the suit.

At the funeral Jimmy looks splendid in a crisp double breasted navy blue Brooks Brothers suit. After the service the widow approaches the mortician to thank him and find out how much it had cost her.

The mortician tells her "well, it just so happens another man had passed away who was about your husbands size and he was wearing that suit. He had no family and was going to be cremated with a memorial service

...

So, I swapped their heads."

Ghost Story

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied:

"I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."

Merits of a Mistress

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

U2 and Philosophy

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence ........... "Well, f***n' stop doin' it then!"