Don't put an 800 number on it unless you want me to call

I love this guys column!

Gene Weingarten, Washington Post Writers Group

Ever since I learned that most commercial products put a small 800-number on their packages for consumer questions, I've felt compelled to call the customer service reps to harass them. Each time I do this, readers write in, contending I am one sick guy.

For the complete story ... http://www.newsobserver.com/105/story/558873.html

A little old lady decided to join The Hell's Angels!

One day she goes up to where they hang out and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker then asked: "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep,smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

French Honour

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was beside a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman who had her poodle sitting on it.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the length of the entire train again, but still the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Only in the South!!!

From Catawba County , where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Hickory , North Carolina . After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off a few times; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his utter amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Love the Geico Caveman Commercials?

Check out this site. cavemancrib.com It works in a lot of elements from the caveman commercials including a recipe for Duck with Mango Salsa! You can also hear the popular songs that play such as "Remind Me" by Royksopp by clicking on the ipod dock station.

A Toast to My Wife

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night". She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife." Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."

Chicken or the Egg

Now you know!

Telemarketer Prank

I've heard of people pranking telemarketers but this is absolutely HILARIOUS! The telemarketer obviously wants to get off the phone, but feels he can't due to legalities.

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

Bubbles, Michael Jackson's Chimp, Arrested on Unnatural Acts Charges

The act allegedly occurred over the weekend at Jackson's Neverland Ranch where, Bubbles accusers say, they were enticed to sleep over with the promise of warm milk and belly rubs. When asked to comment, Bubbles said only "Heee-heeee-hah-hah-hah" and then, in an emotional show, threw fecal matter at the reporters.

Swiss Invade Liechtenstein

The full story can be found at http://www.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,,2025383,00.html

"As well as the obligatory Swiss army knives, the troops were armed with assault rifles - however, they had no ammunition"

They wouldn't be able to kill anyone, but those little scissors could give a nasty scratch that might get infected! Maybe it was a sabotage expedition, where they went around unscrewing signs and stuff?

Funny Video: Playtime with Schwarzenegger and Stallone

Sly calls Arnie to come over and play. Kinda pointless but thats what makes it fun!